What if I Have a Favorite Kid? Embracing Your Family Dynamic
When we are expecting our second child (or more!), oftentimes our baby in utero can feel more like an abstract idea until we meet them in person. That makes us wonder: as much as we want our baby, is it really possible that we can love them as much as our older child?
We've built a life with our older child. We know their quirks and habits and their sticky kisses. We know our hearts feel full to bursting when we watch them playing or sleeping. We don't know our new baby yet, so our breath catches in our throats a little bit when we wonder: what if we have a favorite kid?
Of course we know that showing favoritism to one child is wrong and we know we want to avoid that. But we also know that our kids will have their own different personalities and not every personality will mesh with ours.
We should consider the fact that one of our kids might have a personality style that complements ours a little better, but it doesn't have to mean a stressful or traumatizing family life.
There is a term in child development called “goodness of fit” that can help us understand this a little better. Goodness of fit can refer to how well a child's personality interacts with others in their environment. It's a good fit when the child meshes well with their family, and is genuinely liked by them. This is great for your child: they may have better self-esteem, confidence, and do well in school.
So what if one of our kids doesn't mesh with us as well? For example, what if we are really outgoing and on the move and our child is a shy homebody? We don't have to have a stressful home life – understanding these concepts and implementing some plans can help us have more harmony in our families.
Ways to Intentionally Pursue Relationship With Your Child
1. Identify the differences in your child
What is it about their personality or quirks that's different from you? You can write down a list, and work on seeing those as strengths instead of weaknesses. Having them physically written down will help you stay grounded in knowledge when you work toward finding solutions during conflict.
2. Create a “goodness of fit” from scratch
You can learn to expect your child's reactions and manage them before a fight ever starts. Know what they need to feel comfortable, know what types of outlets they need for their energy and emotions, and set them up for success rather than failure. For example, if your child gets unmanageable when hungry, you know not to take them to the store around meal times or feed them first.
3. Teach your child about “goodness of fit” too.”
Once your child is old enough for their personality to really develop, where you can notice how well it fits (or doesn't) with yours, they are old enough to be able to work with you too. You can work together with your child to decide how you want things to be, and what kinds of actions you will take to make them happen.
It's okay if you have a different personality from your kid. It's even okay if you butt heads sometimes. What matters is that you are equipped with some knowledge and tools to intentionally create a warm, loving, and positive environment for your child and yourself to thrive in relationship.
So don't be afraid that you're going to have a favorite kid. You are a wise and wonderful parent, and the fact that you're concerned about this proves that you will make an effort to practice intentional relationship, and not favoritism, in your family!